Star Command Paternity Tests
by The itsy bitsy spider
Summary: Who's your Daddy?


If you think I own this show then you're a moron.

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Star Command Paternity Test.

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The opening theme song for the Galaxy's most watched talk show, Harry Jumper, Plays loudly for the audience as their host Harry Jumper comes out from behind one of the partitions that make up the fake background.

"Hello audience, and viewers at home. Today we have a special show for you," he said as he walked across the stage with his note cards in hand holding out for suspense, "Today our guests are none other then Team Lightyear. Now I bet you're wondering why we asked these members of Star Command's finest to come on our show. And some of them don't even know why they are hear either. Paternity tests people. We have some angry people here who would like to know the true identity of their baby's daddy. Let's bring our first guest out shall we," he motioned for the cameras to move towards the partition that lead from back stage and out came a very large Mira Nova. She literally had to waddle out on stage her abdomen was so swelled. She carefully eased herself down into the chair witch almost was too small for her big stomach to fit through the arm rests.

"Hello Mira," Harry greeted her from where he was standing in the middle of the audience.

"Hi Harry," she replied back with some difficulty.

"So Mira, tell us why you are on this show," Harry asked her as he walked to another part of the stage.

"Well Harry, I am 3 months pregnant," the people gasped. "And I don't know who the father is."

"Well Mira, you are very big for only 3 months pregnant," Harry interrupted her. Most humans didn't even show at that far in.

"I know Harry, and that's what leads me to believe it was none other then my team mate Booster Munchapper," Mira blurted out and another gasp was heard through the crowd.

"So you believe he could be the father?" Harry asked a stupid question that she had already answered in her previous statement.

"Yes. I mean look at me! My stomach is as big as a beach ball! Who else's kid could swell that big in such short of time!?" Mira yelled out to everyone her reason to believe it was the suspected loveable Booster.

"Well then let's bring out Booster!" Harry yelled out to Jo-Adian's cue to come and join everyone else on stage. Booster came out barely fitting through the stage entrance, the whole crowed booed and hissed at him.

"SHUT THE *BEEP* Up!" he cursed and swore to the booing audience, "All you mother *beep*ers just shut the *beep* up!"

"Sit you fat *beep*ing *beep* down!" Mira shouted at the Ranger.

"What the hell happened to you?" Booster questioned looking at Mira, "You're as fat as a *beep*ing beached whale!" He obviously had no idea why he was there, or that she was pregnant.

"Shut the *beep* up!" Mira screamed back, "You know what the hell happened! You where there dumb *beep*!"

The crowed quieted down and so did the stage so Harry could talk, "Ok so Booster, do you know why you are here on this show today?"

"Yeah because this *beep* brought me here," Booster yelled irritated.

"But do you know why?" Harry asked again.

"No not really, she's probably going to blame me for her weight problem," Booster sneered.

The audience booed again at him and again he told them to, "Shut the *beep* up!"

"Well yeah I guess you could say she's gonna do that," Harry scratched his head as he laughed, "Mira why don't you tell him."

"I brought your fat *beep* here because I'm pregnant with your child!" she screamed across the stage at him.

"That's not my child! Hell no that's no my child! You're a whore!" Booster yelled back at her in defense.

"How can you say it's not your child!" Mira got up from her seat and waddled over to him threatening, "Look at me! I'm three months Pregnant and I Look like I'm 12 months! Obviously it's because I'm carrying your fat *Beep* kid!"

"You can't prove that! You can't prove that!" Booster yelled at her getting out of his chair and lumbering across stage.

"Sit down whore! Sit down whore! Sit down whore!" the audience started chanting.

"You all shut the *beep* up!" Mira turned her rage towards the audience. They still continued until the guards made both Booster and Mira take their seats.

"Now Booster," Harry asked very diplomatically, "What make's you think this isn't your child? Look at her."

"Because Harry, Mira is a slut," Booster went on and a 'ohhhh' started coming up from the audience.

"No no! I ain't no slut!" Mira started yelling across the stage.

"Shut up slut! Shut up slut!" The crowed chanted again and Mira grumbled something and shut her mouth

"Why would you say that about her Booster?" Harry asked.

"Because when I slept with her she was then sleeping with two other guys at that time too," Booster told them while Mira shook her head denying it all. 

"Lies, lies, all lies," she shook her head quietly.

"Oh yeah? Are you saying that you didn't sleep with XR and Warp Darkmatter?" Booster asked her and knew she was caught.

"Yeah but it isn't their child!" Mira yelled in defense, "Look at me! I'm fat as hell! How could it be their child! Besides XR is a robot how could he get me pregnant?"

"Well why don't we ask him," Harry said, "Bring out Warp Darkmatter and XR the Experimental Ranger!"

The two foes and other choices for who the father could be came out onto the stage. The audience booed once more for the two new arrivals.

"Shut your damn ass's up!" Warp sneered at them, "You all know you would sleep with me too! Don't lie!" he addressed the crowd. "So *beep* you all!"

"Shut the *beep* up! You damn mother *beep*ers! What the *beep* are you *beep*ing booing about? You *beep*holes!" XR the little robot swore as he wheeled himself on stage.

"Now boys, there's no need for that, sit down please," Harry motioned to the two extra chairs on the stage. Warp and XR both plopped their ass's down in a chair each. Neither looked too thrilled to be there.

"Now Warp," Harry addressed the other blue alien, "Booster says you slept with Mira and that this child could also be yours. Is that true?"

"Hell yeah I *beep*ed her!" Warp admitted proud of it and the crowd cheered for that, "But that ain't my kid."

"How can it not be your's?"Booster scolded, "She's blue, you're blue! It has to be your's!" The overweight alien blurted out in stupidity.

"That doesn't prove *beep*!" Warp hollered across stage bearing his teeth, "How do you know it ain't your's tubby!?"

The two aliens fought across the stage when XR the little robot stood up and screamed, "It's mine! It's my kid! I screwed her and it's my kid!"

"XR! You just duct taped a battery operated *beep* to the front of yourself!" Mira yelled at the robot. XR sat back down and twiddled his fingers.

"Well before the show I asked each of our guests to give a blood sample back stage," Harry said as he was handed a large yellow envelope.

"You said it was for security reasons!" Warp blurted out in anger he was lied to. "Damn! So it could be my baby!?"

"I told you so!" Booster yelled at Warp like a child.

"It's not Warp's it's your's fat *beep*!" Mira yelled.

"Wait I didn't give a blood sample!" XR shouted and the room was silent as they looked at him strangely. "Oh right, I don't have blood." he sat back down again.

Harry pulled out the envelope and read, "Warp Darkmatter, you are," he paused for a dramatic effect, "Not the baby's Father." 

"I told you *beep*holes so!" Warp yelled standing up from his chair and doing a little dance. The audience cheered for the alien. "So go *beep* yourself Jo Adian!"

"Booster," Harry went on, "You are..." he stopped and dropped the envelope as Mira went to the floor screaming and clutching her stomach in pain.

"Aghhh! Booster you *beep* wipe!!" Mira screamed in pain, "Look what you're doing to me!!!!" her stomach started to swell again but her little body couldn't take it. The giant alien body inside her caused the Tangean to explode! There was a huge blast heard as the blue female's abdomen suddenly burst! Spilling her innards everywhere. The baby was also lost when this happened and Booster was a free man again.

"Are the fa..father," Harry said sickened and shocked by the bloody mess on stage.

"Yeah but not no more!" Booster rang out in cheers as he danced off stage singing, "Grey skies are gonna clear up! Put on a happy face!"

"Well, we will be right back with our next guest," Harry said shaking into the camera, "Can we get a clean up crew out here? Now!"

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The music brings you back from the break and back to our host were another guest is seated on the stage.

"We're back! And with us now we have legendary Space Ranger, Buzz Lightyear. Hello Buzz," Harry greeted him.

"Hi Harry," Buzz gave a little wave.

"So Buzz tell us why you're here," Harry motioned to him to begin.

"I have no idea. I was sitting at the office reading a umm magazine, when I got a call from your show," Buzz answered confused.

"And they didn't tell you why?" Harry questioned him further.

"No sir I don't," Buzz looked nervous as to why he was on that show. "But I've seen this show before so I'm guessing it's nothing good."

"Well then maybe Miss Kat Contrail can clear up your confusion," Harry motioned to where the next guest was coming from.

The woman came out swearing at Buzz, "You no good God *beep* fool!" she started yelling at him, she got right in his face and the guards had to hold her back. Poor Buzz didn't have the slightest idea who she was or what she was yelling at him for. "You ruined my life you *beep*hole! You little mother *beep*er!" she swore some more.

"What the hell are you talking about *beep*?!" Buzz demanded to know, "I don't even know who the *beep* you *beep*ing are!"

"Don't play dumb with me you jack *beep*!" Kat yelled some more. "I hired you last year for my party!"

"Yeah so?" Buzz shrugged, "A lot of women did."

"I payed that extra fee and you got me pregnant you son of a *beep*!" the irate girl screamed at him.

"I didn't get you pregnant you *beep*! You've been sleeping around!" Buzz scolded her.

"Oh yeah look at him!" a picture of the child appeared on screen. It was a four month old little boy who remarkably looked almost identical to Buzz, if Buzz were a four month old baby. Same chin, swirl dimple and blue eyes.

Buzz gasped in horror at the screen, "So! That still isn't my kid! And if it is I ain't gonna take care of it!" Buzz blurted out.

"Why wouldn't you take care of this child?" Harry asked, "It's against the law not to pay child support.

"Yeah but Harry she payed the extra fee for the 'extra time'. When she did show she signed a contract with my boss XR stating that I was not liable for ANYTHING! And pregnancy was underlined in that clause." He explained.

"So you won't help her?"

"*beep* no!" Buzz crossed his arms, "I'm a full time porn star now. I don't have time to be messing with that ladies bull*beep*! She signed the agreement that's it! End of story!"

"You are going to take care of that kid even if I have to force you to!" Kat screeched at him. "I'll marry you myself if I have to!"

"Speaking of marriage let's bring out Buzz's wife shall we!'' Harry introduced Jenny, Buzz's porno star wife and co-worker on screen. The crowed cheered for Jenny as they obviously knew very well who she was.

"*BEEP*! He ain't gonna go no where with you! You should have read what you were *beep*ing signing *beep* . It isn't his fault that you are an idiot!" Jenny got in the other girl's face and started swearing. "He ain't the Father anyways!" Jenny yelled before she took her seat on Buzz's lap. She grabbed his head to kiss him deep just to spite the slut.

"Now let's find out who the Father is," Harry pulled the letter out of the envelope, "Buzz you are," he paused again, "NOT the Father!"

"I told you so *beep*!" Buzz said yelling and pointing at her, "Now what hu? Now what *Beep*!?"

"Well what the *beep*!" Kat was confused, "Who is his daddy then?"

Harry couldn't believe his eyes at the results, "Well this is strange, it says here that the baby's Dad is XR." the whole place gasped.

"What the *BEEP*!!?" Kat cried out. "A robot!? He doesn't even have blood for crying out loud!"

The robot wheeled on stage, "It's synthetic DNA. I created them myself using some of Buzz's DNA and some of my own oil and artificial intelligence chip," XR was proud of himself.

"What are you saying? My son is some sort of *beep*ing Buzz Lightyear clone cyborg??!!" the lady questioned in horror.

"In a manner of speaking yes," XR smiled coolly.

"Forget it! I don't want none of you freaks around my son!" Kat blurted out they shrugged, it worked for them.

"XR," Harry asked a bit confused how she remembered getting into Buzz's pants but not the robots, "How is that possible? She says she made it with Buzz."

"A robo suit created by the Gargantians, yup modern technology gets me what I want." he smiled, "That's why Buzz had no idea who she was."

"OK well we will be right back with Harry's final thought," Harry pointed to the camera man to cut the scene.

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"And we're back," Harry greeted the audience alone without his messed up guests, "You see where having multiple partners gets you? Nowhere, and your children are messed up or explode. And it applies to us all, even people of high ranks. If you do have more then one person refuse to come on this show so you aren't humiliated or only stick to one person. Either way have a good day.

  
  


END!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


End file.
